*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
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me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’