I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
You Might Also Like
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
#Caturday
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.