woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
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In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Always…
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day