Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
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My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
if a cop pulls u over play dead
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again