me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
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Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
There is no try. There is only give up.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there