I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
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My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again