I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
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How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Writing, She Murdered.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
sugar glider wrangler
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.