I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
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Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Breaking news:
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant