Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
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Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I feel seen
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
any last words?
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you