Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
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I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
sensitive skin
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
How funny!
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.