My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
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Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.