ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
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I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher