wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
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Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.