6: are snakes just neck?
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Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.