Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
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I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
thanksgiving in nutshell
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what