The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
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Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I wish this was real life…
Nice try, NASA
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be