PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
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every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
The French word for sex is croissant.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.