My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
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I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”