found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
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If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.