Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
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Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?