Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
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Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
This hospital has everything
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion