6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
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You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat