My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
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Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.