I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Happens to everyone.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up