Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
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Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them