If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
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My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
I need to update my racial profile.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that