My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
You Might Also Like
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
same energy
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top