A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
You Might Also Like
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I would move hell over six inches for you
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
“I FIXED IT!”
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible