A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
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To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that