I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
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Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I want this so bad
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.