they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
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Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again