Jail
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My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
mathematically impossible
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.