modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
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Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
secret recipe
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic