me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
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shit just got real
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
The symmetry is uncanny.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.