Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
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Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
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You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.