Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
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Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.