me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
You Might Also Like
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.