“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
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Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber