Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
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Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
In Canada they just call them geese
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?