GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
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Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”