CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
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Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
#Caturday
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.