The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
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Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
The fall of Netflix