me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
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Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.