Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
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how was your vacation
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”