Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
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[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could