You Might Also Like
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Not😆🤣
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
work smarter, not harder
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
<—- homeless romantic
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.