Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
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Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.