[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
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me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
#Caturday
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.