“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
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Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.