This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
You Might Also Like
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Overindulged this afternoon.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.